Lost

You make me feel like I am absolutely worthless. I just want to scream and see if you would care. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? All I wanted was to help, but I feel like I'm making it worse. I can't stand this, I feel like I'm being given the silent treatment and I'm hurt. I'm actually crushed. You don't need me, I get it, but what you don't see is that I don't understand, nor do I want to understand. I am trying to be obedient to the Lord and it sucks because you won't let me be. I am so frustrated! I am so mad at you and at myself. Why, please tell me why this is happening? Why is every good thing always ripped from me, why must I continue to struggle and fail and fall short of the standards I have set up for myself. It is hard enough for me to accept myself, but to not be accepted by others only makes it worse and still harder to accept myself.
I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. I don't want to feel like this. I know I don't deserve anything in life, but can't I just hope for happiness and contentment some times? Can't I live a life worth something, can't I be accepted and not heartbroken. I go from one broken relationship to the next and walk through life wondering when the next one will be. I try to put on a happy face, I try to be encouraging, I'm trying to be myself, only to find out that's not who people want-they want someone else-let me see how long I can pull off a fake version of myself. I can't. I won't. And I shouldn't have to. When will I be someone's first choice? When will I be sought after? When will someone want to be my friend first and come and pursue my friendship? I hate one way streets. I seem to find a lot of them and then find myself going the wrong way to make matters worse.
I feel so lost.

The gift of Service

I just graduated from college a few short months ago and after moving back home and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life I have had a lot to ponder. First of all I felt like moving back to my hometown would be a very devastating thing for me to do. However, I have been sweetly mistaken. I moved back home with the intension of getting involved, but I had no idea I would be just as busy or busier than being a full time college student. This I don't mind, only when the feeling of being overwhelmed comes crashing through my doors do I think.. maybe I need to slow down and smell the...snow? (I live in Wisconsin, we don't have flowers till May, okay maybe April) However, instead of slowing down I actually add more things to my list of things to do. I actually told my parents today it would be nice if I didn't have to have a job because I feel like all my extra activities could be a job in and of themselves.
Anyways, among being extremely busy and a tad bit overwhelmed, I have realized something. I love serving people. Yes, I knew that before, but this is somehow different. I love to serve people when they aren't watching, and even if they are I don't like the attention, I'd rather they didn't know that I was serving them. I have learned a lot of things from a very special women in my life, no this woman is not my mother, though she has had a lot to do with the woman I have become, but this other special woman has given me a passion for hospitality and the desire to serve others with my whole heart. It has been a blessing to watch as she does life with other people, sometimes I feel like I should be taking notes. I know I cannot be exactly like her because God has made us all individually different from one another, but I would love to be like her in the way she serves. This amazing woman of God does not like the attention, this woman's life screams: I'm in love with Jesus, this woman points every bit of praise back to her Lord, and this woman has shown me much about being a patient, humble servant. I know she has flaws like we all do, none of us are perfect, though some of us might like to plead our case once in a while, but she does not pretend to be perfect, she just lives out her life to serve her Savior, which flows to those He has placed in her path.
She has inspired me to use the all gifts God has given me, not just the ones I feel comfortable using. She has really given me a desire for the home. I have always desired a home of my own, but I currently don't have one in my name yet. However, I am excited for when that day comes because I now know how I will use that for the Lord. I desire the material item of a home, so that I can practice hospitality to my neighbors and others that need good fellowship. I see how important the gift of hospitality is and what a lost art it will be if not encouraged by woman such as the amazing friend in my life. I am very grateful for the people the Lord keeps putting in my life. They continue to challenge and charge me to live my life to the fullest, so that my life may truly be a living sacrifice, one sold out to Jesus Christ.

Clean the closet

I have been called out. "What are you addicted to?" A shocking question to ponder. Quickly I assured myself that I wasn't addicted to anything of great importance. I got up and left. The question etched on my brain. Addicted...me...no way....that's such a strong word. It sounds so sinful, so deceiving. I'm I person whose life is just a facade? All these thoughts went through my head and I kept shaking it off, like there was no way possible this was me. However, I was convicted and cracked like everyone who is under the guidance of the Holy Spirit eventually does. I am a facade, like everyone else in the world is. We are all hiding behind the "i'm fine" faces we put on before we leave the house every morning. I am addicted to things I am too prideful to give up, which is wrong. I have been called out and I am looking to uncover why and how those things in my life got it's rooting. I am willing to unearth the things that might terribly damage my self image and I'm striving to be clean from this thing that has dirtied my life for way too long.

Nothing is Permanent

I have come to a place in my life where I feel put out. I feel like I have no permanent home as of the present. Everything seems dysfunctional. Is this how everything is suppose to be? I don't think so, but I guess because everything is new and I can't plan ahead because I have no idea how. My plan ends in exactly a year and beats me where I will be. Stay put? Leave? I have no where to go and I don't know if I want to go. I'm pretty stubborn and sometimes I just don't feel like picking up my feet. i need to pick them up though, one at a time and get a move on. To where, who knows, but move on I must. I must leave the temporary and go on toward the permanent. I don't want to leave the friendships I've begun I don't want to start over for the millionth time in my life. Can't anything ever be permanent? I hate this. We must do the things we hate, the things that we despise above all else, to go and continue on the path laid out for us. Though this may be hard I know I will survive because nothing is ever permanent.

Some type of DEPTH

I think I have finally figured out the depth of something in my life. By depth I mean I have reached the bottom and it's not that far from the surface. I thought there was more too me then what there was. It was all knowledge though. The knowledge never went past the mind. It never penetrated the heart. The mind without the heart is useless. I realized that I knew a lot about what I believed, but I couldn't get over myself. I was in the way. I didn't see that to have a real relationship with the one who loves me unconditionally I had to step down from the step I had used to elevate myself. A real relationship has struggles, but no one ever tells you that it's ok. Not that you should stay there, you need to be seeking help to learn and move forward. It won't always be easy! But why then is that what I'm being told by the many faces around me. Offer encouragement, but tell me not lies but truth. Junk does happen in your life yes, but most of time we don't make the connection in life to our relationship with Christ. I want to be grabbed, I needed to be grabbed by Him. I can't do this on my own and I am brought back again to my knees begging for forgiveness, which He has granted. Thank you Jesus!

Just Breathe

Let me ask you this. Why is the world in such a hurry? Go through high school-you graduate, go through college-graduate-get married-find your dream job-start settling down. There is so much to see and so much one can do that I find it's really hard to wnat to do that. I mean I would like to do all those things and I feel like if I don't right out of college I'm going to miss it. But I feel like if I'm waiting for it or him, then maybe they're waiting for me to. I would like to hope so, because I feel like after seeing Boston I want to travel and visit and take chances and learn. Life seems so much bigger now then just going through with one thing then on to the next; it's like were on otto pilot and I'd rather not be. I guess I had been talked into going through the cycle by the world and the fast passed life. I actually don't mind it, but I think I want to try this way from now on. It's hard though, especially when one finds themselves in the position of falling in love. What happens if you fall in love too early and you can't do all the things you were hoping to do? Or what if the person you fall in love with wants to do all those things with you? That would be wonderful, but in my mind not very realistic. What if I am falling in love with this guy who seems perfect, but I'm afraid to let myself feel because I want to do my own thing, though I'd also like to be with him. Do I give up one or the other? Life just keeps throwing you curve balls. I wish I would have listened to my mom when she told me life only gets harder so enjoy being young while it lasts. I was always ready for the next step, I hated the here and now. I'm finding out right now that the here and now is the most important to be focused on. What else matters. I guess all one can do is pray. God knows what He's doing. I don't, so I need to trust when my life is upside-down and trust when I find the right guy, and trust when I can't seem to do what I planed. Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. I believe this is truth. Easier said than done though for sure!

Brightness

Could you tell me what it's like to not be looked straight through? I'm there, but where in the world am I? You apparently don't see me. I apparently don't see myself.
Those thoughts were oh so a reality that was burning a hole deep within me. I couldn't stand that I wasn't myself; that I would panic and then pretty much just drop dead. I was scared to live. I was scared to breathe. I couldn't be the person God made me to be. That was too big a task and I didn't think I was worth what I was given. I ran, I ran hard and fast away from the people who loved me I made permanent. scares on my heart and on others. I couldn't get a hold of myself because I was too out of control to realize how I was behaving. I thought I could do anything as long as I could run away from how I really felt.
Where did this come from? How did I become this way? These 2 questions were the mode of my thinking once I stopped and looked at the trail I had left behind me. It blew me away. I began to dig through the hurt, dig through the tears and look. Things were so blurry, it's like I couldn't see the reason I had done the things I had done. Who was I? And more importantly who am I? I didn't recognize myself? When I could get to a point so low I didn't know the girl controlling my brain that was too much. I stopped my digging and I looked up. I was in a pit, surrounded by my every mistake. Surrounded with all the filth that I didn't let go of, surrounded by my sin which seemed to have engulfed me. I was ashamed. And I stopped and stood there.
I stood there for a great deal of time and decided I wasn't going to feel anything. I refused to feel anything. This numbness was easier than to feel this pain that had been cutting at my soul. But somehow a beacon of light, of hope began to grow within the pit I was in. I felt a burst of joy. It took me back for just one second as I quickly tried to cover it up. Joy? What was this foreign emotion, I hadn't felt in months? Standing there I realized what a mistake it was to stomp out this joy. But there again I stood with no feeling. This burst of joy happened again after some time had past. I didn’t stomp it out. I didn't do anything but watch it. It began to grow and fill the pit I was standing in. I was terrified but I still didn't move. In no time at all this joy began to lift me up out of the pit where I had been stuck.
I was no longer see through. I no longer didn’t know who I was. I was a girl with a purpose and talents that stretched for the sky. I started running in the right direction and correcting my wrongs. I looked behind me and saw my past trails disappear with blood. Not my blood, but the blood of a Savior who died for me. I am no longer filthy but washed white as snow can be. I have found what I had lost sight of to make my life complete. I have regained my vision and Christ is all I need. I have truely found joy.