Brightness

Could you tell me what it's like to not be looked straight through? I'm there, but where in the world am I? You apparently don't see me. I apparently don't see myself.
Those thoughts were oh so a reality that was burning a hole deep within me. I couldn't stand that I wasn't myself; that I would panic and then pretty much just drop dead. I was scared to live. I was scared to breathe. I couldn't be the person God made me to be. That was too big a task and I didn't think I was worth what I was given. I ran, I ran hard and fast away from the people who loved me I made permanent. scares on my heart and on others. I couldn't get a hold of myself because I was too out of control to realize how I was behaving. I thought I could do anything as long as I could run away from how I really felt.
Where did this come from? How did I become this way? These 2 questions were the mode of my thinking once I stopped and looked at the trail I had left behind me. It blew me away. I began to dig through the hurt, dig through the tears and look. Things were so blurry, it's like I couldn't see the reason I had done the things I had done. Who was I? And more importantly who am I? I didn't recognize myself? When I could get to a point so low I didn't know the girl controlling my brain that was too much. I stopped my digging and I looked up. I was in a pit, surrounded by my every mistake. Surrounded with all the filth that I didn't let go of, surrounded by my sin which seemed to have engulfed me. I was ashamed. And I stopped and stood there.
I stood there for a great deal of time and decided I wasn't going to feel anything. I refused to feel anything. This numbness was easier than to feel this pain that had been cutting at my soul. But somehow a beacon of light, of hope began to grow within the pit I was in. I felt a burst of joy. It took me back for just one second as I quickly tried to cover it up. Joy? What was this foreign emotion, I hadn't felt in months? Standing there I realized what a mistake it was to stomp out this joy. But there again I stood with no feeling. This burst of joy happened again after some time had past. I didn’t stomp it out. I didn't do anything but watch it. It began to grow and fill the pit I was standing in. I was terrified but I still didn't move. In no time at all this joy began to lift me up out of the pit where I had been stuck.
I was no longer see through. I no longer didn’t know who I was. I was a girl with a purpose and talents that stretched for the sky. I started running in the right direction and correcting my wrongs. I looked behind me and saw my past trails disappear with blood. Not my blood, but the blood of a Savior who died for me. I am no longer filthy but washed white as snow can be. I have found what I had lost sight of to make my life complete. I have regained my vision and Christ is all I need. I have truely found joy.