Lost

You make me feel like I am absolutely worthless. I just want to scream and see if you would care. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? All I wanted was to help, but I feel like I'm making it worse. I can't stand this, I feel like I'm being given the silent treatment and I'm hurt. I'm actually crushed. You don't need me, I get it, but what you don't see is that I don't understand, nor do I want to understand. I am trying to be obedient to the Lord and it sucks because you won't let me be. I am so frustrated! I am so mad at you and at myself. Why, please tell me why this is happening? Why is every good thing always ripped from me, why must I continue to struggle and fail and fall short of the standards I have set up for myself. It is hard enough for me to accept myself, but to not be accepted by others only makes it worse and still harder to accept myself.
I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. I don't want to feel like this. I know I don't deserve anything in life, but can't I just hope for happiness and contentment some times? Can't I live a life worth something, can't I be accepted and not heartbroken. I go from one broken relationship to the next and walk through life wondering when the next one will be. I try to put on a happy face, I try to be encouraging, I'm trying to be myself, only to find out that's not who people want-they want someone else-let me see how long I can pull off a fake version of myself. I can't. I won't. And I shouldn't have to. When will I be someone's first choice? When will I be sought after? When will someone want to be my friend first and come and pursue my friendship? I hate one way streets. I seem to find a lot of them and then find myself going the wrong way to make matters worse.
I feel so lost.