You make me feel like I am absolutely worthless. I just want to scream and see if you would care. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? All I wanted was to help, but I feel like I'm making it worse. I can't stand this, I feel like I'm being given the silent treatment and I'm hurt. I'm actually crushed. You don't need me, I get it, but what you don't see is that I don't understand, nor do I want to understand. I am trying to be obedient to the Lord and it sucks because you won't let me be. I am so frustrated! I am so mad at you and at myself. Why, please tell me why this is happening? Why is every good thing always ripped from me, why must I continue to struggle and fail and fall short of the standards I have set up for myself. It is hard enough for me to accept myself, but to not be accepted by others only makes it worse and still harder to accept myself.
I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. I don't want to feel like this. I know I don't deserve anything in life, but can't I just hope for happiness and contentment some times? Can't I live a life worth something, can't I be accepted and not heartbroken. I go from one broken relationship to the next and walk through life wondering when the next one will be. I try to put on a happy face, I try to be encouraging, I'm trying to be myself, only to find out that's not who people want-they want someone else-let me see how long I can pull off a fake version of myself. I can't. I won't. And I shouldn't have to. When will I be someone's first choice? When will I be sought after? When will someone want to be my friend first and come and pursue my friendship? I hate one way streets. I seem to find a lot of them and then find myself going the wrong way to make matters worse.
I feel so lost.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The gift of Service
I just graduated from college a few short months ago and after moving back home and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life I have had a lot to ponder. First of all I felt like moving back to my hometown would be a very devastating thing for me to do. However, I have been sweetly mistaken. I moved back home with the intension of getting involved, but I had no idea I would be just as busy or busier than being a full time college student. This I don't mind, only when the feeling of being overwhelmed comes crashing through my doors do I think.. maybe I need to slow down and smell the...snow? (I live in Wisconsin, we don't have flowers till May, okay maybe April) However, instead of slowing down I actually add more things to my list of things to do. I actually told my parents today it would be nice if I didn't have to have a job because I feel like all my extra activities could be a job in and of themselves.
Anyways, among being extremely busy and a tad bit overwhelmed, I have realized something. I love serving people. Yes, I knew that before, but this is somehow different. I love to serve people when they aren't watching, and even if they are I don't like the attention, I'd rather they didn't know that I was serving them. I have learned a lot of things from a very special women in my life, no this woman is not my mother, though she has had a lot to do with the woman I have become, but this other special woman has given me a passion for hospitality and the desire to serve others with my whole heart. It has been a blessing to watch as she does life with other people, sometimes I feel like I should be taking notes. I know I cannot be exactly like her because God has made us all individually different from one another, but I would love to be like her in the way she serves. This amazing woman of God does not like the attention, this woman's life screams: I'm in love with Jesus, this woman points every bit of praise back to her Lord, and this woman has shown me much about being a patient, humble servant. I know she has flaws like we all do, none of us are perfect, though some of us might like to plead our case once in a while, but she does not pretend to be perfect, she just lives out her life to serve her Savior, which flows to those He has placed in her path.
She has inspired me to use the all gifts God has given me, not just the ones I feel comfortable using. She has really given me a desire for the home. I have always desired a home of my own, but I currently don't have one in my name yet. However, I am excited for when that day comes because I now know how I will use that for the Lord. I desire the material item of a home, so that I can practice hospitality to my neighbors and others that need good fellowship. I see how important the gift of hospitality is and what a lost art it will be if not encouraged by woman such as the amazing friend in my life. I am very grateful for the people the Lord keeps putting in my life. They continue to challenge and charge me to live my life to the fullest, so that my life may truly be a living sacrifice, one sold out to Jesus Christ.
Anyways, among being extremely busy and a tad bit overwhelmed, I have realized something. I love serving people. Yes, I knew that before, but this is somehow different. I love to serve people when they aren't watching, and even if they are I don't like the attention, I'd rather they didn't know that I was serving them. I have learned a lot of things from a very special women in my life, no this woman is not my mother, though she has had a lot to do with the woman I have become, but this other special woman has given me a passion for hospitality and the desire to serve others with my whole heart. It has been a blessing to watch as she does life with other people, sometimes I feel like I should be taking notes. I know I cannot be exactly like her because God has made us all individually different from one another, but I would love to be like her in the way she serves. This amazing woman of God does not like the attention, this woman's life screams: I'm in love with Jesus, this woman points every bit of praise back to her Lord, and this woman has shown me much about being a patient, humble servant. I know she has flaws like we all do, none of us are perfect, though some of us might like to plead our case once in a while, but she does not pretend to be perfect, she just lives out her life to serve her Savior, which flows to those He has placed in her path.
She has inspired me to use the all gifts God has given me, not just the ones I feel comfortable using. She has really given me a desire for the home. I have always desired a home of my own, but I currently don't have one in my name yet. However, I am excited for when that day comes because I now know how I will use that for the Lord. I desire the material item of a home, so that I can practice hospitality to my neighbors and others that need good fellowship. I see how important the gift of hospitality is and what a lost art it will be if not encouraged by woman such as the amazing friend in my life. I am very grateful for the people the Lord keeps putting in my life. They continue to challenge and charge me to live my life to the fullest, so that my life may truly be a living sacrifice, one sold out to Jesus Christ.
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